Yes the drama is over now but this is still a real problem in our country, infact all over the world. So can You discuss Rape With a tween Like A True Champ? Most of us Millennial parents are all about loving discipline, right? We feel our parents were too hard on us and we want to do better. Let’s start with discipline. If you have read some of my parenting posts you know, I run my house hold with an iron fist. So not to say I spank my kids at every turn, but there are boundaries. A lot of them.
I believe that acts of violence are learnt, like all traits of any child. With all this bullshit going on here with femicide it got me thinking, have I raised my boys well enough not to hurt another person. And my daughter well enough to stand up for herself and to know what to do in an unsafe situation? Have you?
As much as there are blogs and books on parenting, there still is no manual or how to guide. Each child is different and so is each situation. This particular topic is a hard one, let me tell you. I have discussed everything with my kids, from puberty to sex. All band aids have been ripped off, or so I thought, until this broke out.
Yes they are very sheltered children, I won’t deny that. For my daughter, compared to some other 11 year old’s I’ve seen, she is very much a child. And she is loving her childhood and simpleness! My middle son is the same, a very big heart and so much love. Then there is the douche. He’s my son and I love him but this 16 year old has driven me up and down and sometimes, straight through walls.
He is selfish and stubborn (aka me), and so argumentative, this one he got all on he’s own.
As a parent, I feel it is my responsibility to teach my kids about respect. Respecting peoples boundaries and personal space. Respect, goes a long way. And to accept responsibility and accountability for your actions. How do I do this? With punishment/reward of course. For everything they do well, or right they get a reward. I have learnt to say thank you and to speak to them with respect. A potty mouth I am but when we are being serious, I always try to be as respectful as possible.
Take note of your child’s personality and actions. This will give you a lot of insight into the adult they are going to be. Many psychology articles I’ve read says a child’s personality is fully developed by the age of 7. By that time I was very proud of my kids I will say. It’s when the damn hormones showed up, that we started bumping heads. But take note of the stupid things like the little white lies. That’s my middle one. I am working so hard to get him to stop denying he did things, that he did in fact do. Just to avoid being in trouble. How? I reward him for owning up now, instead of punishing him for lying. Sometimes positive reinforcement helps
Keep the channels of communication open, without judgement. Let them feel comfortable enough to ask you anything. I did this by breaking the silence. When my 1st born, turned 13, I would tease him about he’s balls dropping etc. I will laugh and tease about girlfriends. Even minor swear words is not an issue anymore. Like “moer” or “ass”. I try not to make a big deal about eeeeverything! Accept respect. self respect and respect for others. We start with simple greetings.
Now that the foundation is out of the way, how do I discuss Rape With a tween?
- Be straight forward. By 11 most schools have introduced sex education, which helps. But rape is so ugly, I think you have to bring the topic up. My daughter has the basics down about sex, I think, I hope. so just say, it’s when someone forces you to have sex. Don’t sugar coat it with forces themselves on you, coz to a child that could mean lays on you and finish. They are kids after all, and for the most part very literal.
- If possible, approach them before they approach you. This goes hand in hand with communication. Don’t be a chicken, just do it.
- Ask them questions, even if its just about sex in general. This will tell you how much they know or don’t know. again, age appropriate please.
- The boys will have a very different talk to the girls, because if they become a victim, it’s not in the same place. And to prevent the boys from being offenders, I went to the extent of showing them the after math. Aka 13 reasons why. I love that show for so many reasons, but it really did help me get the message across to the kids. From both sides.
- Make sure your kids know that you are there for them and , in a victim situation, they will not be blamed. You will always be there and it will be with no judgement, irrespective of the circumstances. Make discussing rape or sex with your kids a total non issue.
I grew up in somewhat of an open household, so when I was taught about sex at school, I went straight home and asked about it. That could also be because I am so straight forward my dad didn’t have a choice but to be open lol. And that is how I feel I am with my kids, just say what you’re feeling. Good or bad, I just encourage them to always express themselves with respect.
After this discussion my daughter is opening up about a bully, I will address that in another post, but COMMUNICATION is key. Even my kids friends feel comfortable chatting to me. And trust me I am not a peoples person, but I will say I am a very good listener. Just be that for them at all time. When this whole femicide thing went down, I made it a point to discuss rape with them, as openly as possible.
And speak about the issues that need addressing asap. The kids are our future, can we at least try to make it brighter than this current dark cloud hanging over us?
Violence is not OK! Rape is NOT Ok! BULLING is NOT ok!
I was very surprised when my son told me he remembers the rule , I asked “which one”, he’s answer “I should never go looking for a fight but I am only allowed to protect myself, if my words don’t work”. That was something we told him when he was around 10. The truth for me is that my eldest son can be a total duche bag sometimes, but I feel like talking to him about he’s entitled attitude along the way helped a lot.
Here is a post on the naughty corner, if you’d like to start there.
That’s my 2 cents on the tip and hopefully a tip for the month.
Happy Parenting everyone, we can discuss more in the comments.